Heard a sermon Sunday about anger. Positive and negative ways of dealing with it. Perhaps it is also applicable for feelings in general. I have strong feelings. They often cause me to have vivid dreams at night that wake me up from sleep inducing more feelings. (2:30 am right now) I try to suppress them. Everyday, actually. Since my mother passed away, and I have lost other loved ones, I can’t stop feeling. I won’t call them mostly “negative” feelings, but it is a lot of self-pity over the sense of loss and grief I can’t seem to shake. I’m sure a therapist would help me tremendously. I’ve read good things about meditation and obviously praying. But then there is the more convenient, less effective, rather rebellious and self-harming means of cutting feelings. Choosing the poor coping over the more effective positive interventions signals to me some slight depression or rebellion. I’ve tried meds and drinking and exercise and relationships. Sometimes the experiments are simply for the sake of experiencing something different and feeling less bored and more alive. But it bothers me that a person, overtime, resorts to harmful practices in search of numbness or forgetfulness or satisfaction or coping. It’s scary because some people, those even within my own family in the last few years, by blood or marriage, have quickened their own death with the use of drugs, assumed in effort to manage their own feelings.

In a time of so many conveniences and luxuries and resources to help people live better and cope more effectively, why do some choose still to do harmful things to manage day to day? I’m am not excluding myself, but I wonder how much more productive we would be if we could only control the thoughts that induce such strong feelings that make us assume the only solution is to numb them with substances or harmful practices. How is it that people can know what is good and bad for them, but so many choose what is dangerous?

Perhaps once I learn how to stop wanting the things I cannot have, will I be content to make the most of this life without hurting myself. I know I’m not the only one with issues. I’ve met people who literally hate themselves, which causes all sorts of problems in their relationships. I’ve met other people whose selfishness isolates them from the rest of the world while they pursue their own trophies. I’ve met self-righteous people who easily can identify the faults of everyone around them, but their inflated sense of self-worth thinks they are doing everyone a favor by pointing out their flaws, which actually hurts others more than it helps them. Then there are the fake people who pretend to be victims to get sympathy from others only to manipulate them later for their own amusement, gain, or gratification. Often so much of human nature seems to be for the ego – to control or to conquer. Then there are those who love too deeply and feel too much. Those people who become hard if they aren’t careful because they bottle up their feelings, suppress, repress, deny, ignore. How do you have compassion and feel naturally the way one should feel about tragedy and sadness without being consumed by those feelings? Life is going to happen, but it’s how you react to it that makes the difference.


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